Some *serious* New Year’s Resolutions i would like to keep for 2010

1) Stop constantly updating Facebook / Twitter
Nobody cares what you had for breakfast, nobody cares that you are a little bit sad today, and nobody cares that you ‘can’t wait for the weekend’.

2) Stop sending mails to 10-50 peoples which will bring my bad luck if i don’t.
I’ll send the same mail to the same person who send me and now he has to send that mail to 100 people more.

3) Stop giving away my personal details to winning lottery notifications emails
As if people are rich and not much greedy enough to give you a thousand pounds for free.

4) Stop playing with your ringtones on the train
I don’t need to explain this one.

5) Stop listening to your iPod on super high volume on the train
Or this one.

6) Stop staring at me on the train.
You know the type. That one person on the whole train with a staring problem or 2 lazy eyes that makes you really feel uncomfortable.

7) Stop talking really loudly on the phone in supermarket queue
Nobody cares about your “friend Sarah’s” funny itch. We all know it’s you with the ‘funny itch’ and we don’t really want to touch anything that you have touched after hearing about your ‘funny itch’. Urgh.

8) Stop the endless twilight saga debate
Team-Edward, Team-Jacob – Nobody cares!!! Leave us alone!

9) Stop uploading videos of people onto Youtube
Everybody gets drunk at a party from time to time. Yes, your friend has been sick in a plant pot, they have their pants around their ankles and they are shouting obscenities at you and the rest of friends. It’s very, very funny – but please stop taking footage and putting it on Youtube – well done, you’ve just prevented your normally very nice, down-to-earth friend from getting their next job.

10) Stop trying to use 7 arms while driving the car
You don’t have 7 arms, you only have 2. It is not physically possible to 1. steer, 2. change geers, 3. eat breakfast, 4. drink really hot coffee, 5. read a map, 6. re-tune the radio, 7. talk on you mobile phone.

11) Stop blasting me with that horrendously bad breath of yours.
You know I can stand banal conversations. In fact, they’re a great source of entertainment for me but… for the love of god have the decency to not subject me to garlic and cigarettes. I’d rather not have to sit through a nasal multimedia presentation of what you ate for lunch today, telling me is quite enough information. It costs 5 dollars for Listerine and 5 minutes of your day to have decent oral hygiene which is a good alternative if you can’t hold up a decent conversation.

12) Stop touching everything I own.
Yeah, I understand that I may have loaned an item to you once upon a time but it doesn’t give you a license to run of f with it whenever you please. Have some damn decency and ask to use it and for god’s sake, bring it back when you are done.

13) I will stop yelling at nonanimated objects.

The toaster doesn’t seem to darken my toast any faster, and the traffic lights don’t turn green when I command. These objects must be brain dead.

14) I will be a millionaire on Farmville.

Who says farm coins aren’t real?!

15) I will cut my hair.

16) I will think of a password other than “password” or “hello”.

17) When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, “LOL… LOL!”

18) I will leave my brain at home while going to watch a supposedly scary movies like Scary Movie 1, 2, 3 & 4!

19) I will never again take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

20) I resolve to hold my breath and pull in my paunch when I cross my young secretary.

21) I resolve not to see any serial or movie in which any dead character is brought alive.

22) I resolve not to call any phone number of any TV contest as they are always kept off the hook.

23) I resolve to stop poisoning my family with my cooking.

24) My New Year resolution is: 1024 by 968 pixels!

25) I will balance my checkbook. (on my nose).

26) Don’t eat medicine just because it looks like candy.